Evil Villain Hotline
by TigerLily98
Summary: Redundant though the title is, it's another idea for a skit I would *love* to see performed at a con. This is another 'what if' scenario.


Evil Villain Hotline

Synopsis: Meant all in good fun. Sort of a 'what-if' scenario. I have no idea how I come up with all this insanity, but it certainly is amusing !

~*~CAST~*~

Harold Saxon (the Master):

Silence:

Weeping Angel:

Dream Lord:

Dalek Sev:

Cyberman:

Clockwork robot:

Madame Korvarian:

Inspector Thorne (from the K9 spinoff):

Help Bot (R-T):

Help Bot (Gadget):

Help Bot: (Quirk):

Help Bot: (Perl):

Help Bot (Q-T):

Narrator:

Scene 1-Feeling Low ? Run Out of Ideas ? There is Hope !

Narrator: Even villains have bad days sometimes. For that, there's a hotline, staffed with capable help-bots willing to take calls of all sorts. Just dial 1-800-746-787 and all your villain needs will be attended to unless you're looking for a quick hookup. For that, call our sister hotline, 1-888-739-999, you cheeky bugger.

(Phone rings)

RT: Evil villain hotline. This is RT. How may I help you ?

Saxon: Isn't your name a bit redundant ? I mean, aren't all villains evil ?

RT: I...never pondered that question before. Is this Harold Saxon ?

Saxon: You recognized me from my voice, how impressive, RT ! Bully for you.

RT: Quite. Why have you called our humble hotline ?

Saxon: I am depressed.

RT: Go on.

Saxon: Well, you all thought I was _dead_ right ? I mean, everyone saw me die, right in the Doctor's embrace.

RT: Sounds drastic. And somewhat romantic.

Saxon: Shut it, RT. There are yaoi writers this very instance making fodder out of that idea.

RT: What is your purpose for calling then ?

Saxon: Must I repeat myself ? I am _depressed_ ! Whatever I do I can't seem to defeat that blasted Doctor. He even regenerated. He simply will not die !

RT: And what do you expect me to do about it, Harold ? I have every known scheme known to villain kind here, and I am fairly sure they would be thwarted by the Time Lord again.

Saxon: (grumbles) Which is why I am depressed. So, seeing as you have no plan for me to work upon, what else you got, help bot ?

RT: Have you thought about the local club, the Jolly Rodger ?

Saxon: (put off) No. But it does sound inviting. I like the swashbuckling buckaneer title. Has a certain ring of adventure in it.

RT: Don't tell anyone I told you this, but Madame Korvarian called earlier.

Saxon: Oooh, that saucy minx ? Whatever for ?

RT: Same ailment as you, Harry. From what I have heard, she's headed there herself.

Go get her, tiger.

Saxon: I may be old, but I ain't dead yet. (sings) I am not dead yet, I can laugh and dance and sing, I am not dead yet, I can do the highland fling, I am not dead yet, no need to go to bed, some day I'll kill the Doctor 'cuz I'm not yet dead !

RT: That's the spirit ! God speed, Saxon.

Saxon: RT, you're a lifesaver.

RT: Think nothing of it. Tell your friends !

(hangs up)

Scene 2-Is This The Real Life, Is This Just Fantasy ?

(phone rings)

Gadget: (answering phone) Evil villain hotline. This is Gadget. Who may I ask is calling ?

Dream Lord: It's the dream lord. I can't tell if this is a dream, or if it is real. Is this the real life ? Is this just fantasy ? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.

Gadget: How drastic. Have you tried pinching yourself ?

Dream Lord: You can do that in a lucid dream and still feel pain.

Gadget: Point taken.

Dream Lord: What can I do, Gadget ? I'm so addlepated. (weeps)

Gadget: Have you considered that you wouldn't be able to make this call if you were dreaming ?

Dream Lord: (thinks momentarily) Well, no...

Gadget: Then you have no troubles. So, just...(singing) take it easy. Take it easy. Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.

Dream Lord: Hey, that's captial advice. Tomorrow will be a better day. I appreciate this.

Gadget: Tell your friends. (meekly) We need the business.

Dream Lord: Will do. Ta, beautiful.

(hangs up)

Scene 3-How Do You Know When An Angel Calls ? Or the Silence for that Matter ?

(phone rings)

Quirk: Evil villain hotline, this is Quirk. Who's calling ?

Angel: (no noise, yet)

Quirk: Is this a crank call ?

Angel: (screech)

Quirk: This hotline is for the use of clients only. We won't tolerate pranks like this one.

Angel: (frustrated, hangs up the phone)

Quirk: That was rather bizzare.

(phone rings)

Quirk: Evil villain hotline ! This is Quirk. Who's calling ?

Silence: I have come for advice.

Quirk: Have you now ? (confused) Who are you ?

Silence: I am known by many names.

Quirk: Oh, you're one of _those_ creatures. Good thing I'm a robot or my memory would've been fragged by now. So, Silence. What do you need ?

Silence: You're actually the first successful call I've had all day. How do I make friends without frightening them away or making them forget ?

Quirk: Ever think of making robotic friends ? Or friends amongst your own kind ?

Silence: The first avenue seems more logical, but Cybermen and Daleks are so boring. I mean they all repeat themselves again and again.

Quirk: You have one goal though. Destroying the Doctor. Think of the things you could do when allied !

Silence; Quirk, my lad...you are brilliant. By the way, did you recieve a call earlier and all you heard was screeching ?

Quirk: Yes. But how do you know that ?

Silence: You may want to find a way weeping angels can use your hotline. They don't have the ability to communicate well, save through screeches, screams and the like, and luckily you're a robot or you'd start counting until your untimely death.

Quirk: Sounds ghastly.

Silence: Do my angel friends that favor, would ya ?

Quirk: Will do, and happy scheming.

(hangs up)

Scene 4-I Would've Gotten Away With It, Had It Not Been for Those Meddling Kids and Their BLASTED Metal Dog...

Perl: Evil villain hotline, this is Perl. Who may I ask is calling ?

Thorne: Inspector Thorne.

Perl: You sound rather irate.

Thorne: Irate ? I'm _furious_ !

Perl: Because of K9 again, I bet.

Thorne: That wretched metal dog ! Those blasted meddling kids.

Perl: You would've gotten away with your scheme had it not been for them.

Thorne: Damned straight, Perl ! I hate them ! I loathe and abhor them ! Not to mention despising and detesting them ! If I could just get my claws on K9...he'd be my little lap dog and do whatever I said.

Perl: Do I detect control issues ?

Thorne: What ? No ! Shut up ! You're not the boss of me !

Perl: Inferiority complex. Hey, don't worry. Happens to everyone. So your latest scheme didn't pan out. Don't feel depressed. Even the best among us fails. Even Davros has had his bad days.

Thorne: Davros ? The one and only ? My idol !

Perl: Then what would Davros do ?

Thorne: Hostile takeover ! Perl, if you weren't a robot I'd marry you.

Perl: Gee whiz, thanks. Appreciated, gov. Tell your friends.

(hangs up)

Scene 5-Robots Talking to Robots

QT: Evil villain help line. This is QT. How may I help you ?

Dalek Sev: Hello, QT.

QT: You sound a bit down. Anything the matter ?

Dalek Sev: Daleks aren't supposed to feel emotion. Yet, I do feel melancholy.

QT: Go on.

Dalek Sev: Davros hardly ever gives me a chance to truly shine. I am leader over the other subsurvient Daleks. I was created not long after poor Dalek Sec was incinerated but I had no individuality. For a while, I thought, at least I am not a Cyberman with compunction only to delete whatever isn't human. I have more capabilities than that. And yet my genius or my loyalty isn't appreciated. I have a mirror in front of me, aimed back at myself. I am thinking of simply firing my laser beam off into it...

QT: Stop, Dalek Sev. Don't think about that. I have two other clients here who had thought of the same action earlier today using live wires or water...I deterred them.

Sev: Are they still on the line ?

QT: Thanking me.

Sev: Can I speak to them ?

QT: Sure. Let me connect you.

Clockwork Robot: Is that the Dalek that is considering termination ?

Cyberman: Illogical. Such things are not part our basic programming. We are taught to proliferate.

Sev: I feel so helpless though. I mean, how can I make Davros see that I am one of a kind.

Clockwork robot: Let me break it down for you, my friend. (singing) You're special.

Cyberman: Special !

CWR: So special !

Cyberman: You're gonna get some of his attention !

CWR: Let 'em have it !

Sev: That's inspiring but how exactly do you propose I gain his approval ?

CWR: Compliment him. Even if you don't feel like it.

Cyberman: Just be yourself. Davros will take notice.

Sev: (chuckling) I was foolish before. RT, fellow bots, I thank you.

QT: Think nothing of it.

(hangs up)

Scene 6-Thank You For the Happy Endings

(phone rings)

Gadget: Evil Villain hotline ! This is Gadget. Who may I ask is calling ?

Korvarian: Oh, this isn't a call for help, but a thank you. You may not know it but you may have a dating service on your hands.

Gadget: Oh ? Do tell ?

Korvarian: Earlier, you told Harold Saxon to head to the Rodger. Well, he and I met and sparks flew. I couldn't be happier. He's become the light in my life and I'm sure we'll set up a scheme even the Doctor can't foil.

Gadget: Are there wedding bells for you two yet ?

Korvarian: (surrepticiously) Who knows. All I can say is the pairing was and is appreciated. Make the most out of it.

Gadget: I'll take that to my CEO, we'll have a think tank.

Korvarian: You do that love. Ta.

(hangs up)

Narrator: So, no longer is the hotline only for the downtrodden or lack of creativity. If you are looking for someone of like mind to plan your schemes with, then call our number now. We wish you all the best of destructive times together. Thank you for calling the Evil Villain Hotline. Buh-bye now.

(End scene)

(Cast bow, 'Call Me' plays in the background)


End file.
